Being a Mother with out a child

As mother day approaches my heart breaks for not only my self but for mothers like me. We are the mothers that did not get to raise our babies, the mothers that left the hospital with empty arms, the mothers that still hurt when a friend or loved one post that they are pregnant. We are the mothers that cry on mothers day. We wonder who our little one would be today, we wonder about the color of their eyes and hair, we wonder about how their laughter would sound and even about their cries. We long for sleepless nights and dirty diapers. We feel alone even though there are others who have felt a loss similar to ours. We sit at church on Mothers day and we try to be happy for those around us while no one acknowledges that we are Mothers. Last year on Mothers day I was still married and even though my husband was there with me, It was the hardest day of my life so far. My little girl would have been a few months old. I sat in our spare room alone and cried and cried a few friends tried to make me feel better but nothing can ever take that pain away. This year my sweet sweet baby girl would be 13 months old. I do not know quite yet how this mothers day will go, I do know that one little girl will be looking down on my from heaven and wishing me a happy mothers day. To those reading this who have never experienced infant or pregnancy loss just remember that we are mothers too. We may not be a mother the way you are but we are still mothers. I am open to talking about it, some women my not, respect the fact that they do not want to talk about. Show us love and let us know that you are there for us. A poem that has helped me: The Cord We are connected, My child and I, by An invisible cord Not seen by the eye. It's not like the cord That connects us 'til birth This cord can't been seen By any on Earth. This cord does it's work Right from the start. It binds us together Attached to my heart. I know that it's there Though no one can see The invisible cord From my child to me. The strength of this cord Is hard to describe. It can't be destroyed It can't be denied. It's stronger than any cord Man could create It withstands the test Can hold any weight. And though you are gone, Though you're not here with me, The cord is still there But no one can see. It pulls at my heart I am bruised...I am sore, But this cord is my lifeline As never before. I am thankful that God Connects us this way. -Unknown Please on this mothers day do not dismiss us or ignore us. We are proud mother of angels in Heaven. A mother and child Death can't take it away! Author Unknown

Please on this mothers day do not dismiss us or ignore us. We are proud mothers of babies who live with Heavenly Father.

(Pictures are not mine, I am not claiming they are)

The believe ring a story of true friendship

So there I was crying in Stephanie living room. I had been dumped. I was heart broken, sad and a mess.

Stephanie hugged me and said "we are not going to stay in tonight its ladies night" I reluctantly got ready Steph did my hair.  We went to our favorite bar to see this one dj that is amazing and to drink my sorrows away.

With it being ladies night the bar was crawling with guys looking to hook up, flirt etc since I was just dumped I was not interested,  but the guys weren't picking up on that. 

Stephanie being the amazing friend (I had no idea she was going to do this) climbed up on a table got the bars attention took a ring off her finger. Pulled me up to the table gave a speech about how I am her bestie for lifey and if I would be her wifey. The bar cheered as I said yes thinking it was a real proposal.  The guys backed off and we got free drinks all night.

Well I found that ring yesterday.  I cried. Thank you Stephanie for always looking out for me. I will wear it every day now.

Not letting him control me anymore

I am done letting thoughts of him control me.

I am done thinking if he has changed and I am done wondering what if.

He didn't love me then and he won't now or ever.

I have been through a lot of hard things in my life but leaving him was one of the hardest. I am and was a mess, just because you don't see every aspect of my pain doesn't mean that it wasn't there.

I married him because I loved him and wanted to spend forever with him, he said he wanted the same but his actions proved other wise.

I am done feeling damaged, I have learned from this and will keep the lessons in my heart forever.

I want the divorce to be finalized so that we can both just move on and be happy in life.

So if you have questions about it or my pain or my feelings how about you ask me.

My pain is real, the abuse was real, if you weren't there you can't say anything about the situation. 

I am grateful for the friends and family that have been by my side.

I am strong and I will get through this.

We first meet (a Stephanie story)

Stephanie and I first meet on a YSA hike.
We hiked at laughed and sat on a rock and just talked.

Our first real hang out was a YSA campout.

Kattie introduced us. The 3 of us were fun. So on this campout we had a 2 hour drive full of laughs and a few u turns to get to the place. It was fun. We also had Kattie dog Greta with us. All in a two man tent.

We played chubby bunny, ate our feelings and laughed until our side hurt. It was so much fun.

It was an awesome we made jokes and became instant friends.

Stephanie keep looking down on us all until we meet again.

-Kendra

Dear Stephanie

Hey Steph, it's been a while since you been gone. I miss you like crazy. So much has been going on and I find my self wanting to call or text you. You were always there for me no matter what.

Stephanie, I wish I could have been there for you when you needed me most.  I have so many memories of us that the play like a movie in my head.

Remember when we would tell each other bed time stories. And you teaching me to bake, I still haven't mastered your pumpkin muffins.  Remember the bacon in the washer lol...I miss you.

Remember the bar crawl, we didn't always to good things but we took care of each other the best we could. 

Remember when we first hung out at the camp out Kattie introduced us. We ate our feelings and all 3 of us and greta (kattue yorkie) slept in that tiny tent.

I know you're looking down on me and I carry you with me in all I do.

I love you Stephanie,  I am glad you're finally at peace. Smile down on me. 

Love,
Kendra

Pics pics pics

The kids that light up my life :)

And a hair update :)

Don't need surgery.

Well I saw on oncologist who says my blood work and tissue sample does have precancerous cells but it looks like they got it all. yay!!!

I do have to watch my uterus activity closer lol. If I start having the same issue I need to go to the doc asap. Because the tumor could be back. 

Still dealing with divorce. Some people never keep their word.  Hopefully I will be able to get the remainder of my stuff and it will be over. I am so passed ready to move on and get on with my life. 

Thank you for all the love and support.

Another blog update will be pics :)