A little past 11 months

Wow this year has gone by super fast.

As I reflect on where I was physically, mentally and emotionally I can tell I have grown in all aspects of my life.

I feel so much closer to my Father in Heaven. I know that the gospel is true. I am so excited to get sealed to Jance (no we do not have a day set yet).  Life is hard but so amazing.

These past 11 months have changed my world in such an amazing way. This year always brings up bad memories, it has definitely been a better Christmas season. Last year I cooked for about 12, I had an amazing day but I felt incredibly sad and alone ( I also was not living the way I should have).

I never thought that I was worthy for a man like Jance. He is the most amazing husband and as we wait for Christmas to get here so that we can see if we will have a little bundle of joy I know that he will be an amazing dad. I am so grateful that Jance walked into my life.

In other news, as most of you know my Step Father and I have never really seen eye to eye. I have been praying and praying about how to fix it and it came clear as day to call him my DAD. He was/is my dad. He provided for me, was there for me when I thought he would hate me. I was a terrible teenager (I won't get into what I did just know I was bad), I treated him like crap, pulled the you aren't my real Dad routine, I hurt him. Now as I type this with tears running down my face, I truly regret how bad I was. I guess we grow with age. I regret that because of my actions its taken us years to become close. He is my Dad and he always will be.

He danced the daddy daughter dance with me at both my weddings. He has seen me at my absolute worst and still loved me. He was always there even when I wouldn't let him be. Dad if you read this (I am hoping mom will show you) please know that I am sorry and I do love you.

I am so blessed that he is in my life.

I cannot wait to see where this next year takes not only me but Jance as well.

Mental Illness

So we all know that I have and live with Mental Illness.

I have four mental illness, yes four, diagnoses. I have GAD which stands for General Anxiety Disorder, OCD which means Obsessive Compulsion Disorder, PTSD which is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression, I also have Chronic Illness.  

I chose to say that I live with these not that I suffer from them. They do control a lot of the things that I do and places I go. I am in counseling and I see my doctor very often.

While many people may be diagnosed with GAD not one of us is the same. Our disorders affect each other in very different ways.

I dealt with a lot of my illnesses alone for many years. Just this past year or so is when I started being vocal about them. I feel like now that the people around me see what I go through that it would help and it has. My triggers are well known to my friends and family, usually they will see a trigger first and protect me from whatever it maybe. I also have an amazing husband who deals with my disorders every single day. He is so supportive and it helps.

If I had to chose which one is worse it would most definitely be the OCD. I have a very strict morning routine that I must do before I can do anything else. I have to pick up the house, do dishes, make the bed and put laundry away. I must do these things before I leave, before I shower, before anything. They must be done and if they are not done I am a mess for the day.

My anxiety can hit me at any given moment, I do not like going places alone new things and change are very hard for me to come around too. Sometimes I will have to rock back and forth to comfort myself and if one of my supports are near they will come wrap their arms around me and squeeze it kind of is like my reset button.

Every single day is a fight for me. I fight myself on everything. I am often very exhausted at the end of the day. I fight to get things done. I have to use my energy very sparingly and very carefully. I use the Spoon method which helps so much. I am allowed 25 spoons a day and when they are gone they are gone. Each activity represents a certain amount of spoons, for example taking a shower is 4 spoons if i shave my legs its 6, doing homework is 3, dishes are 3 the list goes on and on. I plan my day in the morning so that I can divide up spoons as needed.

Having Anxiety along with Depression is one of the hardest things I deal with. The work together to try and bring me down. Some days they win and some days I win. Like I said every day is a fight.

All of that being said I am way more than my diagnoses. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a daughter in law, a sister in law. I am not just my illnesses they are apart of me but they do not define me.

There is a stigma that surrounds Mental Illness and I hope one day we can overcome that. Mental illness is just that an illness.

Please if you read this and need help with your feelings etc please reach out to someone. I promise it will help. Do not let your illness win. You can overcome it and learn how to live with it instead of it dictating to you. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Please if you read this, try to not look down at those of us who have Mental Illnesses. Do not say that you should just get over it, just be happy or its all in your head. We criticize ourselves enough we do not need it from outside sources.

Thank you for reading. Be kind to each other you never know the struggles that others are fighting.

An Amazing Year

Wow....this year is flying by. As I reflect on this past year. I am amazed at how every step I took and every choice I made lead my straight to Jance.

I originally came to Washington for a visit. As I packed to go home, it just didn't feel right. I called my best sister-friend and she had a feeling that I would stay. I called Heather and she agreed to not only help me but allowed me to live with her.

I started going to the YSA ward in Pullman, I met with the Bishop and he said that I needed to pray about living in Pullman, before that meeting was over I knew I needed to live in Pullman.

A year ago, I saw Jance for the first time. He was sharing his talent of knife making. He was showing one of his knifes that was attached to his jeans under his motorcycle pants so he had too take off his motorcycle pants to show it.

I made it through the holidays.

I made some amazing friends, friends that helpped me grow in the gospel and as a person.

I went to church on January 11th, to talk with the Bishop. I wasn't feeling well, I was wearing a grey maxi skirt, tennis shoes and a hoodie. Jance talked with me for most of the block.

If you were to tell me that a year ago that I would be married to the man of my dreams, I would have laughed at you. I have been so amazingly blessed this past year.

I am happier than I ever have been. Jance is everything I never knew I needed. Jance has taught me so much. The whole Mathia/Nelson clan as taught me so much. I am grateful that I get to be apart of this amazing family.

I'm amazed and proud of how much I have done this past year. I would not be where I am today without all of the love and support from all of you.

Thank you all for always being there and giving me unconditional love.

9 months

Woohoo!! We have made it 9 entire months!! I am so in love with Jance.

So a little update:

We are on the road of infertility, I did a round of Clomid so we are praying that it works. I have never had the side affects that I had this round, I got the migraine and blurry vision it was terrible. I was/am hormonal and keep having to put myself in check.

Jance is being super amazing as usual.

I should be starting Physical Therapy here soon to help my back and hip and shoulder issues.

I am still blessed and I know that everything is in Heavenly Fathers hands and his time schedule. It is so hard to realize that and be patient.

Love you all.

Learning to lean.....

So I have had my anxiety most my adult life, mix that with OCD, and PTSD it is not pretty. I have had to deal with it alone so having people I can talk to and lean on when I need them is something new to me.

I used to be ashamed of my issues, I would try so hard to hide it, and I definitely did not talk about it with anyone.

I started to talk more about it this past October. It has been amazing to have people that understand and that are truly there for me it has truly been amazing and I am loving it.

Jance is amazing and he helps me cope with it all. Some days are way harder than others and some days are the best.

I also have awesome in laws that understand and help me through bad days.

I have learned that I am perfect the way I am, I have learned to lean on others when I need them.

It has been an amazing blessing.

I am so thankful for all I am learning and I am truly amazed at the love I have been given.

Jance is a huge blessing and I am so grateful for him every day.

8 months.....(almost)

So this week will mark 8 months since Jance and I have been married/Together. (Yes, I am one of those girls that counts the months.) Jance and I have been through a lot and have learned so very much. Jance is so amazingly awesome and I am so very blessed to be his wife.

We all know that I have some GAD, PTSD and a few other things. They are not easy to deal with but Jance has been so amazing at learning and helping me through it. Jance is so very kind and understanding about it. He has taken on so much, and he does not  complain at all about it. He helps me through all my anxiety attacks and is just there for me.

These past 8 (almost) months have been the most amazing, most spiritual, and I have grown so very much. I am actually happy, the happiest I have ever been. Jance is a dream come true. I never thought that I would find someone like him. He is truly the best man that I could have ever asked for.

I am so very blessed that Heavenly Father put us in each others paths that day. I am grateful that Jance wants to be sealed to me and it is our goal. Jance is amazing and I am so very much in love.

I am excited for the our future. I am blessed to be his wife and I am blessed to be apart of his family.

I am loving life.

Road trip.......

So Jance and I are on a business trip and we have had a case of bad luck we have had some issues with the trailer yesterday and today.

I have learned that life just seems to happen.

To smile through the bad and tough time.

Laugh through the bad and tough time and too look for the silver lining.

And last prayers work. (I already knew this but its nice to be reminded)

Jance and I have had so much time to talk, laugh giggle and most importantly pray together.

We have worked through these rough days side by side as a team. Jance has been so amazingly positive. His parents very very understanding of what's happening.

I am so happy that Heavenly Father gives us these "bad" days to show us how grateful we should be for the things around us and the things we have.

Tonight Jance and I needed to do laundry so we had to find a laundromat in a town we have never been in and stay there for a few hours to do laundry. It was hot and awkward, but Jance and I had a fun time.

We also needed to find a grocery store, which we found and were so grateful for.

I never realized how nice it is to know where the grocery store etc are.

I am so blessed in life.

I am grateful for each and every one of them.