Borderline Personality Disorder

I have recently been diagnosed with BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. (I was once diagnosed with it than undiagnosed a year later)

Since I have dealt with this before I knew what it entails and I wasn't scared of it and I am most definitely not ashamed of it. 

Here are some facts about BPD from the Mayo Clinic:   

Borderline personality disorder

Also called: BPD, emotional dysregulation disorder. A mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.

Very common More than 3 million US cases per year

Can't be cured, but treatment may help Chronic: can last for years or be lifelong

Requires a medical diagnosis Lab tests or imaging not required

The cause of borderline personality disorder isn't well understood.

Diagnosis is made based on symptoms. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships. Treatments include talk therapy or, in some cases, medications. Hospitalization helps if symptoms are severe.

A person must meet 5 of the 9 points in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) I meet 7 of them. 

While there is a lot of stigma about Mental illness and diagnosis I am not letting them get to me. I am going to face this and use the tools I have and the people I have in my life to help me with this. 

I am stronger than this and I will be amazing :). Its just another name for what I already was dealing with :).

5am....thinking

It's 453 am and I'm trying to get used to being up all night. I got a new job working the NOC shift at an adult family home.

It's only March and this year has had so many ups and downs. It's been an amazing learning experience. Jance and I have grown so much it's crazy.

I went to a nail salon on Saturday. The nail tech was making small talk asking if I was married etc. I said yes I  am married. He asked how we meet and when we got married. I told him we meet at church and got married 6 days later. He was shocked and said it was very weird to him that we chose to get married the way we did.

So I am trying to get my body to switch it's schedule so that day is night and night is day. I've been on facebook, Netflix, hulu, I've colored I'm so bored but can't do too much because I don't want to keep Jance up.

My head is saying stay awake while my body is trying to sleep. I'm hoping and praying this gets easier.

This post will kinda be all over the place.

I am thinking about setting up an etsy or something similar for my Jewelry making hobby. Any advice is welcome.

I need to find a way to stay up a all night with out bugging Jance. I am so very blessed that I got this job. I love my co-workers and I love the clients. It's been so rewarding already. I'm will be working 11pm-7am Thursday and Friday and 7pm-7am Saturday and Sunday. So 40 hours in 4 days. Gotta get used to the schedule though.

Well that's all for now.

Reflection

When an important event happens like your 1 year anniversary you reflect on the past year, how much has changed, who you were etc.

Before I met Jance I wasn't in a good place, I had made a few mistakes and was working through a mess of things. I was depressed and trying to figure out where my life was going, I was contemplating why Heavenly Father wanted me to be in Pullman.

I had friends who were very understanding, they listened to me vent,let me cry on their shoulders. They never judged me for my past or the recent mistakes I had made.

I knew Heavenly Father wanted me in Pullman, everything just worked out so fast and easy. I found a job, a place to live, and many blessings. The YSA ward was amazing and helped me through so much, and taught me a lot about being Christ like and forgiveness and the Gospel. The missionaries that were in the area at the time will always have a special place in my heart.

Jance and I met and married in 6 days, I know that Heavenly Fathers hands were gently pushing us towards his plan for us.

I won't lie and say that this year has been super easy, it was hard Jance and I fought for each other in every sense of the term. Jance and I know that we are meant to be together. We know that we were destined to be together. We both followed the promptings that we recived.

This past year has been amazing, hard, wonderful, beautiful, full of lessons and I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm so very much in love with Jance and I'm excited to see where this year takes us.

I want to thank all of you who supported me and helped me through so much. I also want to thank everyone who has supported and supports us.

I'm loving life and I'm happier than I have been in a long time.

I love my husband, our families and the Gospel. It is amazing how little steps can turn in to wonderful blessings.

One year ( a few days early)

Its amazing how much can change in one year. I am starting this blog a few days early so that I can get all of my thoughts and what not out. Here in a few days it will be one year since Jance and I walked into each others lives.

January 11th, 2015 I went to church with a heavy heart and not looking my best. I was in a grey maxi skirt and a hoodie and tennis shoes. I was waiting outside the bishops office waiting to talk to him (I wont get into the topic of why I needed to talk to the bishop). A handsome young man who I had seen a few times and thought he was very cute but I thought I was so very unworthy of any kind of relationship. This young man talked with me for all of church and I then facebooked stalked him and later that evening he came over and asked me to be his girlfriend. When he left my house that evening I had a feeling that I would be with him for the rest of my life. That amazing, handsome man was Jance.

My life has done a completely 365 change from that day. Jance and I were married six (yes six days later). I never thought that I was worthy enough for the love and affection of a nice worthy handsome man. Jance taught me that we are all imperfect in some way. On that day Jance said I was beautiful it does not matter what you wear etc. Jance is so very amazing and I am also very grateful that when I married Jance I became part of the most wonderful family. I am now a Mathia and being one has taught me so very much.

In this past year I have learned more about Christ love, serving others, unconditional love, and have a Christ centered life. I am so very amazed at how many blessings I have been given. Jance is a huge blessing. I have learned so much.

I love this life. I am so grateful for the gospel. It has made my life amazing. I am glad that I know of Heavenly Father's love and the blessing that I am given because he gave his only begotten son. I am so very much in love with the gospel. Jance and I have started reading scriptures and praying together more frequently and it is absolutely amazing how much your days and life can change in a a few days when you are doing the things that Heavenly Father asks you to do.

Some time this year Jance and I will be sealed for time and all eternity I am so very excited that I get to be with my wonderful Husband forever. Jance is my everything and I am so very excited to see where the next few years take us.

I am not going to pretend that this year has been easy. It has been hard and we have had our ups and downs but we have come out stronger. We followed the promptings that we received and there is a quote by Thomas S. Monson "Never postpone a prompting" and that is what that we did. We both knew and know that Heavenly Father wanted us to get married and we were following the still small voice.

I have learned so much and I will forever be grateful that Jance walked into my life that day. I have been so blessed.

This past year has be absolutely amazing I am so amazed at what I have learned and how I have grown physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am so excited to be on this journey with Jance by my side. I am so excited that we are side by side, we are a team.

I am thrilled to see what adventures await us.  

A year ago on January 17th, Jance and I knew we were going to get married. We drove up to CDA, ID and has we were driving up there we both felt guilty that we were being so secretive. So Jance called his Dad (tried to get Dad to tell Mom) and then He called AJ. Most of Jance family came up to witness our little ceremony. We were just going to go in front of a judge or the hitching post, Mom did not want us getting married there. Jana and Chris set up our ceremony at the Roosevelt Inn and we had the most perfect little ceremony. Amanda came up and took pictures it truly was an amazing day.

We know some people were and still are a little  upset but please try to understand that we were doing what Heavenly Father was prompting us to do.

On that day I married the man that Heavenly Father made for me. I got to marry my best friend and I also became part of an amazing family. I will forever be grateful for the love and support that we were given that day.

I have /had a lot of baggage and Jance accepted me baggage and all. This  year has gone by so fast. I am so in awe of how much as changed in just one year.

I know now that what I was going through and what I have been through was preparing me for Jance, and the life we would have together.

I would not change a thing. I am so in love with Jance and I am so grateful to be a part of this family.

I love hearing people tell me that Jance and I just fit together. I also love hearing them say that they can tell how much we love each other just by the way we look at each other.

I am so excited to see where our lives lead us, and to be on this wonderful journey of life with Jance.

A new year

It is 126 in the morning. I'm on my mom's couch watching tv. My mind is racing with thoughts of how amazing this year will be and how this year is off to an amazing start.

I am so excited to see where this year takes us.

We have been so blessed this past year and 2016 will be so very amazing. We are planning to go to Wyoming in the fall so Jance can go to school. We are putting our dream of becoming parents on hold for now. We trust that we will become parents when the time is right. It is in Heavenly Fathers hands.

We will be sealed sometime this year, hopefully sooner than later.

As I grow older and wiser I am realizing how much I've changed. Change used to scare me. I used to hate change and the thought of it would send me into a panic attack. I now see that change isn't always bad. Change can be a good thing. I've changed so much this past year. I've grown in all aspects of my life. I'm in such a better place than I was this time a year ago.

I don't know where life is going to take us but I know that no matter what comes our way as long as we stick together united as a team, Jance and I can conquer the world.

Life is amazing if you let it be. I'm no longer going to hold myself back, I am going to be more positive and let go of things that aren't in my control. I am going to do better at school and life in general. I am no longer going to let my anxiety, ptsd, ocd and depression dictate my life. Bare with me as I make these changes I am not perfect so it may take awhile but I'm going to make these changes and it will be amazing.

I have an amazing family, amazing support and most of all my best friend, my other half, the love of my life who happens to be the most amazing Husband in the world.

We aren't perfect but we are perfect for each other.

A little past 11 months

Wow this year has gone by super fast.

As I reflect on where I was physically, mentally and emotionally I can tell I have grown in all aspects of my life.

I feel so much closer to my Father in Heaven. I know that the gospel is true. I am so excited to get sealed to Jance (no we do not have a day set yet).  Life is hard but so amazing.

These past 11 months have changed my world in such an amazing way. This year always brings up bad memories, it has definitely been a better Christmas season. Last year I cooked for about 12, I had an amazing day but I felt incredibly sad and alone ( I also was not living the way I should have).

I never thought that I was worthy for a man like Jance. He is the most amazing husband and as we wait for Christmas to get here so that we can see if we will have a little bundle of joy I know that he will be an amazing dad. I am so grateful that Jance walked into my life.

In other news, as most of you know my Step Father and I have never really seen eye to eye. I have been praying and praying about how to fix it and it came clear as day to call him my DAD. He was/is my dad. He provided for me, was there for me when I thought he would hate me. I was a terrible teenager (I won't get into what I did just know I was bad), I treated him like crap, pulled the you aren't my real Dad routine, I hurt him. Now as I type this with tears running down my face, I truly regret how bad I was. I guess we grow with age. I regret that because of my actions its taken us years to become close. He is my Dad and he always will be.

He danced the daddy daughter dance with me at both my weddings. He has seen me at my absolute worst and still loved me. He was always there even when I wouldn't let him be. Dad if you read this (I am hoping mom will show you) please know that I am sorry and I do love you.

I am so blessed that he is in my life.

I cannot wait to see where this next year takes not only me but Jance as well.

Mental Illness

So we all know that I have and live with Mental Illness.

I have four mental illness, yes four, diagnoses. I have GAD which stands for General Anxiety Disorder, OCD which means Obsessive Compulsion Disorder, PTSD which is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression, I also have Chronic Illness.  

I chose to say that I live with these not that I suffer from them. They do control a lot of the things that I do and places I go. I am in counseling and I see my doctor very often.

While many people may be diagnosed with GAD not one of us is the same. Our disorders affect each other in very different ways.

I dealt with a lot of my illnesses alone for many years. Just this past year or so is when I started being vocal about them. I feel like now that the people around me see what I go through that it would help and it has. My triggers are well known to my friends and family, usually they will see a trigger first and protect me from whatever it maybe. I also have an amazing husband who deals with my disorders every single day. He is so supportive and it helps.

If I had to chose which one is worse it would most definitely be the OCD. I have a very strict morning routine that I must do before I can do anything else. I have to pick up the house, do dishes, make the bed and put laundry away. I must do these things before I leave, before I shower, before anything. They must be done and if they are not done I am a mess for the day.

My anxiety can hit me at any given moment, I do not like going places alone new things and change are very hard for me to come around too. Sometimes I will have to rock back and forth to comfort myself and if one of my supports are near they will come wrap their arms around me and squeeze it kind of is like my reset button.

Every single day is a fight for me. I fight myself on everything. I am often very exhausted at the end of the day. I fight to get things done. I have to use my energy very sparingly and very carefully. I use the Spoon method which helps so much. I am allowed 25 spoons a day and when they are gone they are gone. Each activity represents a certain amount of spoons, for example taking a shower is 4 spoons if i shave my legs its 6, doing homework is 3, dishes are 3 the list goes on and on. I plan my day in the morning so that I can divide up spoons as needed.

Having Anxiety along with Depression is one of the hardest things I deal with. The work together to try and bring me down. Some days they win and some days I win. Like I said every day is a fight.

All of that being said I am way more than my diagnoses. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a daughter in law, a sister in law. I am not just my illnesses they are apart of me but they do not define me.

There is a stigma that surrounds Mental Illness and I hope one day we can overcome that. Mental illness is just that an illness.

Please if you read this and need help with your feelings etc please reach out to someone. I promise it will help. Do not let your illness win. You can overcome it and learn how to live with it instead of it dictating to you. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Please if you read this, try to not look down at those of us who have Mental Illnesses. Do not say that you should just get over it, just be happy or its all in your head. We criticize ourselves enough we do not need it from outside sources.

Thank you for reading. Be kind to each other you never know the struggles that others are fighting.