Becoming ME

 So I started a blog post last year and it was in my drafts. So i figured I’d keep the title and update whoever reads this of my life.

I am no longer active in the church, I’ve actually started the process to remove my name from church records. 

I am engaged to Samuel (Sam), we live together in AZ, with our puppy Frankie.

I’m finally seeking help with my mental illness, I started getting help spring of 2020. 

It has been a roller coaster of different medications and different doctors and counselors. I love my current SMI (Seriously Mentally Ill) clinic. I start DBT on Monday and I am excited. 

I am looking for part time work, hoping to get something I can do from home. 

I am loving life, it is hard and messy but I love it. 

I’m so in love with Sam. (I will tell our story in another post)

I am still me just finally becoming who I want to be and who I am meant to be. 

My Hysterectomy

So as most of you should know I am having a hysterectomy. I have a disease called Adenomyosis.  I have terrible cramps, bleeding, pain and it doesn't just last for 7 days. There is no cure for Adenomyosis. There are treatments but we've tried them all and nothing has worked so the final step is to have a hysterectomy. I will be keeping my ovaries, but my fallopian tube's, uterus and cervix will all be taken. 

This has been a huge emotional roller coaster. As this obviously means I'll never be pregnant again. I'll never have another positive pregnancy test. Jance and I will never have biological children. It's always been a dream of mine to be a mother. A dream to be pregnant and carry to full term. A dream to take maternity pictures. It's a lot to let go of and I'm having a hard time with it.  I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and yes we plan on adopting (that has always been apart of our plan). While we will love those children like they are our own because they will be ours. I am still letting go of dreams I've had since I was a little girl. 

I've been having a lot of anxiety and depression about it but it's getting better. I've received a few priesthood blessings and I've been praying a lot. I know that I need this surgery and that it will help my quality of life. 

I've realized that I need to let go of My plan for my life and to follow and allow Heavenly Fathers plan for my life. 

-KM

My Grandmother

So I have been contemplating writing this blog for a bit.....

As most of you know my wonderful, amazing, loving, caring, feisty, sassy Grandmother passed away. My Grandma was truly one of my best friends. She pushed me to be the best me that I could be. She always understood all of my mental issues. She never ever once put me down because of them and she always encouraged me to seek help and to not bottle things up. She encouraged me to write and journal (something I do every single day).

I went to MO for her funeral, it was a beautiful service. While I was in MO I got to talk to my aunts about my dad and I learned a lot about him that I did not know. I got to visit my dad's final resting place and for once I felt at peace with the hurt I had from him passing and the choices that he made.

I know that my Grandmother is in heaven with my daughter and I know that they are watching out for me down here.

My Grandmother gave me my curly hair, my middle name, my attitude, and a part of her will always live on inside of me.

Every time I hear an Elvis song I will always think of her.

I love you Grandma. I miss you.

Borderline Personality Disorder

I have recently been diagnosed with BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. (I was once diagnosed with it than undiagnosed a year later)

Since I have dealt with this before I knew what it entails and I wasn't scared of it and I am most definitely not ashamed of it. 

Here are some facts about BPD from the Mayo Clinic:   

Borderline personality disorder

Also called: BPD, emotional dysregulation disorder. A mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.

Very common More than 3 million US cases per year

Can't be cured, but treatment may help Chronic: can last for years or be lifelong

Requires a medical diagnosis Lab tests or imaging not required

The cause of borderline personality disorder isn't well understood.

Diagnosis is made based on symptoms. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships. Treatments include talk therapy or, in some cases, medications. Hospitalization helps if symptoms are severe.

A person must meet 5 of the 9 points in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) I meet 7 of them. 

While there is a lot of stigma about Mental illness and diagnosis I am not letting them get to me. I am going to face this and use the tools I have and the people I have in my life to help me with this. 

I am stronger than this and I will be amazing :). Its just another name for what I already was dealing with :).

5am....thinking

It's 453 am and I'm trying to get used to being up all night. I got a new job working the NOC shift at an adult family home.

It's only March and this year has had so many ups and downs. It's been an amazing learning experience. Jance and I have grown so much it's crazy.

I went to a nail salon on Saturday. The nail tech was making small talk asking if I was married etc. I said yes I  am married. He asked how we meet and when we got married. I told him we meet at church and got married 6 days later. He was shocked and said it was very weird to him that we chose to get married the way we did.

So I am trying to get my body to switch it's schedule so that day is night and night is day. I've been on facebook, Netflix, hulu, I've colored I'm so bored but can't do too much because I don't want to keep Jance up.

My head is saying stay awake while my body is trying to sleep. I'm hoping and praying this gets easier.

This post will kinda be all over the place.

I am thinking about setting up an etsy or something similar for my Jewelry making hobby. Any advice is welcome.

I need to find a way to stay up a all night with out bugging Jance. I am so very blessed that I got this job. I love my co-workers and I love the clients. It's been so rewarding already. I'm will be working 11pm-7am Thursday and Friday and 7pm-7am Saturday and Sunday. So 40 hours in 4 days. Gotta get used to the schedule though.

Well that's all for now.

Reflection

When an important event happens like your 1 year anniversary you reflect on the past year, how much has changed, who you were etc.

Before I met Jance I wasn't in a good place, I had made a few mistakes and was working through a mess of things. I was depressed and trying to figure out where my life was going, I was contemplating why Heavenly Father wanted me to be in Pullman.

I had friends who were very understanding, they listened to me vent,let me cry on their shoulders. They never judged me for my past or the recent mistakes I had made.

I knew Heavenly Father wanted me in Pullman, everything just worked out so fast and easy. I found a job, a place to live, and many blessings. The YSA ward was amazing and helped me through so much, and taught me a lot about being Christ like and forgiveness and the Gospel. The missionaries that were in the area at the time will always have a special place in my heart.

Jance and I met and married in 6 days, I know that Heavenly Fathers hands were gently pushing us towards his plan for us.

I won't lie and say that this year has been super easy, it was hard Jance and I fought for each other in every sense of the term. Jance and I know that we are meant to be together. We know that we were destined to be together. We both followed the promptings that we recived.

This past year has been amazing, hard, wonderful, beautiful, full of lessons and I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm so very much in love with Jance and I'm excited to see where this year takes us.

I want to thank all of you who supported me and helped me through so much. I also want to thank everyone who has supported and supports us.

I'm loving life and I'm happier than I have been in a long time.

I love my husband, our families and the Gospel. It is amazing how little steps can turn in to wonderful blessings.

One year ( a few days early)

Its amazing how much can change in one year. I am starting this blog a few days early so that I can get all of my thoughts and what not out. Here in a few days it will be one year since Jance and I walked into each others lives.

January 11th, 2015 I went to church with a heavy heart and not looking my best. I was in a grey maxi skirt and a hoodie and tennis shoes. I was waiting outside the bishops office waiting to talk to him (I wont get into the topic of why I needed to talk to the bishop). A handsome young man who I had seen a few times and thought he was very cute but I thought I was so very unworthy of any kind of relationship. This young man talked with me for all of church and I then facebooked stalked him and later that evening he came over and asked me to be his girlfriend. When he left my house that evening I had a feeling that I would be with him for the rest of my life. That amazing, handsome man was Jance.

My life has done a completely 365 change from that day. Jance and I were married six (yes six days later). I never thought that I was worthy enough for the love and affection of a nice worthy handsome man. Jance taught me that we are all imperfect in some way. On that day Jance said I was beautiful it does not matter what you wear etc. Jance is so very amazing and I am also very grateful that when I married Jance I became part of the most wonderful family. I am now a Mathia and being one has taught me so very much.

In this past year I have learned more about Christ love, serving others, unconditional love, and have a Christ centered life. I am so very amazed at how many blessings I have been given. Jance is a huge blessing. I have learned so much.

I love this life. I am so grateful for the gospel. It has made my life amazing. I am glad that I know of Heavenly Father's love and the blessing that I am given because he gave his only begotten son. I am so very much in love with the gospel. Jance and I have started reading scriptures and praying together more frequently and it is absolutely amazing how much your days and life can change in a a few days when you are doing the things that Heavenly Father asks you to do.

Some time this year Jance and I will be sealed for time and all eternity I am so very excited that I get to be with my wonderful Husband forever. Jance is my everything and I am so very excited to see where the next few years take us.

I am not going to pretend that this year has been easy. It has been hard and we have had our ups and downs but we have come out stronger. We followed the promptings that we received and there is a quote by Thomas S. Monson "Never postpone a prompting" and that is what that we did. We both knew and know that Heavenly Father wanted us to get married and we were following the still small voice.

I have learned so much and I will forever be grateful that Jance walked into my life that day. I have been so blessed.

This past year has be absolutely amazing I am so amazed at what I have learned and how I have grown physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am so excited to be on this journey with Jance by my side. I am so excited that we are side by side, we are a team.

I am thrilled to see what adventures await us.  

A year ago on January 17th, Jance and I knew we were going to get married. We drove up to CDA, ID and has we were driving up there we both felt guilty that we were being so secretive. So Jance called his Dad (tried to get Dad to tell Mom) and then He called AJ. Most of Jance family came up to witness our little ceremony. We were just going to go in front of a judge or the hitching post, Mom did not want us getting married there. Jana and Chris set up our ceremony at the Roosevelt Inn and we had the most perfect little ceremony. Amanda came up and took pictures it truly was an amazing day.

We know some people were and still are a little  upset but please try to understand that we were doing what Heavenly Father was prompting us to do.

On that day I married the man that Heavenly Father made for me. I got to marry my best friend and I also became part of an amazing family. I will forever be grateful for the love and support that we were given that day.

I have /had a lot of baggage and Jance accepted me baggage and all. This  year has gone by so fast. I am so in awe of how much as changed in just one year.

I know now that what I was going through and what I have been through was preparing me for Jance, and the life we would have together.

I would not change a thing. I am so in love with Jance and I am so grateful to be a part of this family.

I love hearing people tell me that Jance and I just fit together. I also love hearing them say that they can tell how much we love each other just by the way we look at each other.

I am so excited to see where our lives lead us, and to be on this wonderful journey of life with Jance.