Tattoo covered

Pics of my tattoo cover up

Baking with Steph

As I sit here thinking a Stephanie story came to mind. Many of you know Stephanie and Most do not, If you do not know her she was an amazing chef/baker. She taught me most of what I know. One day we wanted to bake and Steph and I never did anything half-assed. So we went shopping and got flour, ten pounds of it, sugar, chocolate, stuff to make frosting. We did it all homemade :). Well we started at 3pm and we didnt stop baking till the next morning at about 5pm....we drank a lot of energy drinks. But it was worth it. I have been missing her so much the past couple of days and have been longing to talk to her. She truly was an amazing person and if you knew her, truly knew who she was you would agree. Stephanie was not only my friend but she was my sister, we were soul mates in a since. I do carry a lot of guilt not being there for her towards the end of her journey her on earth. My heart breaks because I miss her and maybe its selfish to wish for more days with her. I wish for more memories with her. I know she is no longer hurting and I know she is smiling down on me telling me to follow my heart and my own path. I miss her... I know the pain will never go away...I know the days will get easier...but I promised her that her story will be told no matter how hard it is for me. I loved that girl, she was stronger than she thought and she was funny. She could always cheer me up no matter what. We would eat our feelings together, try to drink our problems away together. We were there for each other. I wish I could make a phone call to Heaven....I need her...as selfish as that is...her advice was amazing and I need to hear it. So I will try to imagine what she would be telling me now. Remember to love your loved ones and be there for me you never ever know when the last time you tell them will be. Be kind to one another. Be happy and follow your heart.

New job/Update

So I got a new job. I will be a live in nanny just 3 streets away from where my dad lives. I love it!!!!

School is going.  Lol yep just going.

I am loving life and counting my blessings.

Keep your head up and never be too hard on yourself. Heavenly father loves you. :)

Emotions

As I sit here at 1147 pm eating dinner. With a heavy heart breaking for friends I am pondering what is love? Where is love?  Who loves, I mean truly loves me? Why does pain accompany love? Why are they hand in hand? Why is it such an emotional thing?  Why is it hard for me to be emotional?  Why do I constantly push people away?

My bishop as asked me to to try and show emotions more. How does one do that? I wasn't taught, or I don't remember being taught. Maybe I have my walls built to high.
I don't know. ....why is this so complicated?

Being a Mother with out a child

As mother day approaches my heart breaks for not only my self but for mothers like me. We are the mothers that did not get to raise our babies, the mothers that left the hospital with empty arms, the mothers that still hurt when a friend or loved one post that they are pregnant. We are the mothers that cry on mothers day. We wonder who our little one would be today, we wonder about the color of their eyes and hair, we wonder about how their laughter would sound and even about their cries. We long for sleepless nights and dirty diapers. We feel alone even though there are others who have felt a loss similar to ours. We sit at church on Mothers day and we try to be happy for those around us while no one acknowledges that we are Mothers. Last year on Mothers day I was still married and even though my husband was there with me, It was the hardest day of my life so far. My little girl would have been a few months old. I sat in our spare room alone and cried and cried a few friends tried to make me feel better but nothing can ever take that pain away. This year my sweet sweet baby girl would be 13 months old. I do not know quite yet how this mothers day will go, I do know that one little girl will be looking down on my from heaven and wishing me a happy mothers day. To those reading this who have never experienced infant or pregnancy loss just remember that we are mothers too. We may not be a mother the way you are but we are still mothers. I am open to talking about it, some women my not, respect the fact that they do not want to talk about. Show us love and let us know that you are there for us. A poem that has helped me: The Cord We are connected, My child and I, by An invisible cord Not seen by the eye. It's not like the cord That connects us 'til birth This cord can't been seen By any on Earth. This cord does it's work Right from the start. It binds us together Attached to my heart. I know that it's there Though no one can see The invisible cord From my child to me. The strength of this cord Is hard to describe. It can't be destroyed It can't be denied. It's stronger than any cord Man could create It withstands the test Can hold any weight. And though you are gone, Though you're not here with me, The cord is still there But no one can see. It pulls at my heart I am bruised...I am sore, But this cord is my lifeline As never before. I am thankful that God Connects us this way. -Unknown Please on this mothers day do not dismiss us or ignore us. We are proud mother of angels in Heaven. A mother and child Death can't take it away! Author Unknown

Please on this mothers day do not dismiss us or ignore us. We are proud mothers of babies who live with Heavenly Father.

(Pictures are not mine, I am not claiming they are)