Christmas Day

Well Christmas is here!!!

It doesn't feel like christmas. I have never felt more lonely at this time of year then I do for this one.

I don't know if it because this would be Johannalee's first Christmas or what.

I am cooking for some people today, about 10 so maybe the mood will change once people get here. I hope so.

Most of my friends are out of town.  So its been very lonely.

Anyways.

So I made the following for Christmas:

Breakfast Casserole in the Crock-Pot

Donuts

Hot Chocolate in the Crock-pot

Ham

Green Bean Casserole

Stuffing

Yams w/ mini marshmallows

Mashed potatoes

Rolls

Sugar cookies

Fudge

Peppermint Chocolate Cake

It will be very very yummy and I hope I don't have many left overs.

If you want recipes let me know and I will post them for you.

Christmas in Pullman

So this in the first Christmas since the divorce and its a bit strange. I miss my family in Arizona. But oh the blessing I am receiving while being here in Pullman.


I am in the most amazing ward, I have an amazing Bishop and I have great friends.

I have been blessed so dearly.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me, I know that he knows my name.  This is the Christmas season and I haven't felt it until about 5 minutes before I started writing this blog.

I am cooking for about ten people tomorrow. People that also can not be with there families.  We will be a little make shift family tomorrow as we gather to celebrate Christmas. I am so blessed to call Pullman home and I am so blessed to know the wonderful people here.

I am so blessed beyond belief.

-KP

Following the spirit

So as many of you know my life hasn't been that amazing I have gone through a lot and I have been struggling  with forgiveness. Forgiving those that have hurt me in the past. Forgiving my self for allowing the pain to go on for so long but most of all forgiving Heavenly Father.

I felt betrayed by Him and I felt like he intentionally lead me down the wrong path. What I didn't realize is that along that path I learned so much about WHO I am and about how strong I am. I prayed and got an answer and I followed a certain path and it has lead me down a path of hurt, pain strength, friendship, betrayal and a lot of other things. That path has made me so very strong and realize what I want from life.

I have figured out that I am worth so much more than I ever thought. I am a Cherished Daughter of God, and I am so glad that I have meet people in my life that have made me realize that.

I had an amazing time relearning all that I forgot about my Heavenly Father and I am so very thankful for those that have been put in my life to help me realize that even though I have been through a lot of crap in life and that i am carrying around some baggage that I am still worth all the stars in the sky.

I am loving life and I know that I am amazing!

love life, and help others around you.

-KP

Choices Choices Choices...being an adult sucks

Well I have made a decision that I am not yet announcing aloud so if you already know it please don't let the cat out of the bag.

While making this decisions I have come to learn that making them is harder then I thought. I might hurt a few people with the decision but I strongly feel it is were Heavenly Father is leading me to were I need to be.

I am loving that I am being lead to were I am not only needed but to were I  am needing to be so that I can learn the things that I so need to learn.

I know this post is vague but its the best i can do for now. I am being lead to amazing things and here in a few weeks all will be revealed.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and is caring for me and it is an amazing feeling. I am so blessed with all the friends that I have made and those that are helping me along this wonderful journey. With out the support of  all of those around me I wouldn't be able to do this what i am trying to do. I love you all and I am oh so grateful for all the support and love :) thank you again form the bottom of my heart.

-KP

FHE....(a short one)

So I was promoted today to go to FHE... (Family home evening) in Pullman...its an hour away from where I live so I left in ample time to get there..early enough that I would have been 20 minutes early.

Well I wasnt 20 minutes early I was nearly an hour late. I was about to head home when I got the feeling that I should try a few more times to find the building,  Well I finally got there and It was AMAZING!!!! We played apple to apples and it was good, I felt welcomed and not judged.

Not one person mentioned my tattoos or anything. It was amazing.

I am excited to finally be in a ward that is not judge-mental. I felt super good and loved.

I love the Lord :).

-KP  

Thoughts in my head

Well my head is full of thoughts as it usually is on nights like tonight and last night ....nights I can't sleep.

Life is going okay. Been blessed beyond measure in ways that are just amazing. Wish my health was a bit better but can't complain to much. The Lord has blessed me with amazing Doctors and put me in good hands.

I have been thrift store shopping a lot lately.  Most of my wardrobe that I have here in WA has come from thrift stores. There are a few thrift store in towns close to me that actually have thrift store prices. I have got so used to deals that are really cheap (in the good way) that Goodwill is to expensive for me lol.

My head has been so filled with the, What am I doing with my life? Where is my life going?Will another man love me?  Will another man find the beauty I have with in?
Who will answer these questions?

I have bills to pay and not enough money....I have spending problems and advice is much appreciated.

I have started nannying for 2 families so hopefully I can get those bills caught up.

Other than all my questions I am loving life.

-KP

Wonderful, Loving, Giving...The Roduner Family

Every once in a while you are blessed with amazing people, or an amazing person or family in your life.....

I have been beyond blessed to not only know Heather and David and the boys but I have become apart of their family. They have blessed me in so many wonderful ways it hard to find words to describe it but that is what I am going to try to do in this post.

(Heather I apologize now for making you cry)

I have learned so much from this beautiful family, more than they probably know or realize. I have learned what a loving and fun marriage looks like, that all family's struggle, and that its not about the struggle but how you get through it. I have learned patience ( thanks boys).

They have also brought ME back, let me explain a little bit, I was living in a shell of myself, faking a smile only a few people could get my real smile and real emotions out: Jessica Ward, Scott Ward and of course Alix Marie, and finally my Carter Bug , and The Roduner's...especially Heather. ( I miss the Ward family so so so so much but that for a different post) They brought my life back and brought my smile back and let me be sad when I needed it. They showed me Jesus's love for me.

This family is the most giving family that I know. Heather and David would literally give you what ever they had if you needed it. They helped me out while I was married and more so now that I am not. They opened their home to me and gave me a room and a car. I am so blessed that they have been so willing to help me and they haven't asked for anything in return.  I will one day pay the back for all of their generosity and love.

I just want you guys to know that I love you. And that I am so glad that we crossed paths.

You guys are amazing....

(This was written while I was across the room from Heather...also asking her spelling questions..I told you guys she is AMAZING!!!)

-KP

Praying...and answers

So I posted a little bit about this on Facebook and my blog. If you haven't read the being angry with God post please read it, its a few post down from this.

So I have been going to this non-denominational church and by going I mean I have been there like a few times.(This church is called Catalyst  it is in Colfax, WA, if you're interested). Once a month they do this thing called elevate, it is at night on a Sunday evening, they play music and have a Worship, its an hour and half filled with love and feeling the Spirit. 

(For my LDS readers, I firmly believe that you can feel the spirit in any church...do not want to debate it ) 

I was hesitant to go, I have been telling people I would go and then I would make up some lame excuse not go. Well this past Sunday I went and oh my goodness... I felt the love from my Heavenly Father so much, It seriously felt like a warm hug. I prayed harder, with more passion and with more desire then I have ever in my life. I prayed that he would take my broken heart and heal it. I prayed that he would take all my anger away and that he would heal my heart from being hurt. I prayed that he would take my sadness and hurt and make it joy. That I could take my sadness and learn from it and that it would no longer brother me.

I can honestly tell you that this morning when I woke up, I felt in a better mood then I had in along time and I felt that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Am i totally fixed/healed? No. Will I be? Of course!

It took years for this pain and anger to build and it will take time to heal, but I know I am on the right path. I know that I am blessed with a loving Heavenly Father who loves me an knows my name. I know that Jesus dies upon the cross for me.  I know that he felt every single pain that I am feeling. I know that he knows my heart better than anyone else and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thank you to all who encouraged me to go last night and who are there for me. It truly means the world to me. 

-KP

Being angry with God

Being angry with God

Yes I said being angry with God.

Have you ever been angry with God? How did you handle it?

Did you talk to him about it or give him the silent treatment? Did you pray to him still? Worship and praise him still?

I have been angry with God for a while now. How did I handle, I ignored him, didn’t pick up my scriptures, stopped going to church and turned a deaf ear to anything he was trying to tell me. 

I can tell you now that the only one I hurt by doing the above-mentioned things was ME.  God was still there trying to talk to me and trying to let me know he loved me, I ignored all the attempts. He put people in my life that were trying to lead me back to him and I pushed them away and made empty promises to them.

I was angry because MY life wasn’t going the way I wanted it to go.  I had forgotten in my angry that my life doesn’t follow my plan but HIS. MY life has a glorious plan and HE knows where those paths go. I had selfishly said to him “ I don’t care what you have in store for me this isn’t the path I wanted to be on”.

I never wanted a divorce, I wanted my first marriage to be my only marriage but that isn’t the path I was on. I needed to learn things from my first marriage things that I didn’t know about myself. God knew this, while I did not.  Had I trusted him fully with all my heart, I wouldn’t be writing this blog.

I want more than anything to be a mother and I had two precious angels given to me then ripped away before I even got to hold them.  I was angry and sad that he would give me such an amazing gift such a glorious gift and then take it back so soon. My heartaches to this day for those angels of mine.  I know there was a reason for that, and I am now trusting in God to let me know those reasons when the time is right.

Being angry with God is a choice we make.  Again it’s a choice we make. We should come to him with our anger, our sorrows, and our sadness and let him heal us from the inside out.

He loves us; he is there for us. We have everything because of him and his love for us.

As any child gets angry with there parents, I think he expects us to get angry how we handle that anger is the choice we make.

I am no longer angry with God. I have talked it out with his so to say.

I hope this helps you guys, and kind of clarifies the angry with God part of the last blog I wrote.

-KP

What I learned from my marriage

Well those that actually read this lol... I am officially divorced...yep its over... my short lived marriage is legally over.

 Never did I think my marriage wouldn’t even make it to 3 yrs.... Never did I think that I would be divorced at 26 I thought I would be a mom by now.... I thought we would be happy living in a home with the white picket fence...Those were my dreams and I was angry with Heavenly Father for a long time for it.

I prayed and Prayed that marrying Seth was the right thing and I know with all my heart and soul that he said Yes, marry this man. As I have pondered this so many times over and over again, I realize that I did get the Yes I had heard but never did he say Seth was going to be my husband forever and never did I ask that, never did Heavenly Father say that I would be a mother to Seth's kids here in this life. Never did he promise me a fairytale.

 What I have learned from my divorce, (I spent a lot of time thinking and pondering this...this blog as taken me months to write)

 1. Never settle for less then you deserve no matter what aspect that maybe.
 2. Be true to your heart, never let any one tell you your heart is wrong
 3. Be honest with yourself, never lie to yourself, don’t try convincing yourself that you should stay were you don’t want to be
 4. Being divorced doesn’t mean I failed my marriage
5. Be faithful in an relationships you are in, don’t cheat and don’t commit acts of lust
 6. No matter what others say, you have to make the decision to stay or leave
7. Abuse is never okay.. No matter if it is physical, verbal, and sexual its never okay no matter what the excuse is
 8. Know someone for longer than 4 months before you marry, I know everyone is so quick to get married these days but don’t rush it…take the time to really get to know that person
 9. Not all of it was bad there were good times and good memories and you are allowed to hold on to those
 10. Take your time to get over it; there is no time limit on how long it takes to get over a marriage take however long you need.
 11. Take advice from those who have been in your shoes.
 12. This is most important read your scriptures and listen to that still small voice, pray, pray a lot, it will help I promise.

 This list isn’t complete but its just a few things I have learned. This world is hard and we go through so many struggles, hardships, heartaches and lessons, all of which are learning experiences. Learn from them all. Look for the positive in all things that come your way. Keep your head up and try to not get discouraged. Keep your faith and let your light shine no one can put out your light but you. You are loved, wanted and needed.

 As always I am here for any of you.

 I know my divorce happened for a reason, I may not know that reason right now but I know that my life is in Heavenly Fathers hands. I trust him to lead me to where I belong. -KP

Dear Stephanie, it's been a year

Dear Steph,

Wow. I can't believe that it's been a year. So much as happened this past year that I wish you were here for.

I still hope to see an update or text from you. I miss you oh so much. You're at peace though now, a peace you much needed.  I miss our giggle fits, our talks.

I still feel guilty, guilty I wasn't there, I feel guilty you were alone. I wish I could have taken some of pain away.

I do know you are at peace. I know you know feel the love that you were looking for.

Steph, you may have left this physical world but you are not forgotten.  I will make sure your story goes around the world.

I love you girl. Keep looking out for me.

Love ya,

-Kendra

Life Update

Well life is crazy lol am loving WA. I love my new job I have been in training or the last 4 weeks. I have a few more weeks but so far so good. I am still staying with Heather and her family. They have helped me so much and have given and all of thier support.I will be internally grateful for thier friendship. Not much else is new. I did put a hold on school just until I am done learning about all the insurance stuff. Life is good.

Washington trip.... (post 1)

Oh my goodness,  I forgot how much I love this place. It's killing me that I will have to leave.

I am having an awesome time, meeting new friends seeing old ones and catching up.

Man....I love this place.

I know that Heavenly Father had is hand in a few things that have happened this trip. I am grateful for his love and all that he has put in my life.

Enjoy the pictures :)

Life/ Some Nitty Gritty

Hello people that read my blog. Well life is very interesting. I got a new job as many of you know. I am now a live in nanny and I LOVE it :). I am going on Friday to sign the final divorce papers then from there it can be finalized any where from, 1 to 60 days. I am excited to move on with my life. I am making new friends and I am finding my self again. I loving life. I love life, and it is amazing :) So some nitty gritty. We all need to stop judging each other. We need to stop talking bad about each other. We may not always love or like each other but we need to respect each other. We may not like a lot of the choices each other make and that is fine but we need to respect those choices that others make, we need to realize that its not our life or right to dictate how others should live. Be nice to each other and love each other. Be respectful and kind.

Pluralism in Singleton (a single male perspective) *A guest Author*

The following post was written by a friend, I hope you like it. A little bit about him: His name is Brett Giles. He am 32 years old, and currently lives near Paradise Valley, Arizona. He works by day as an accounting clerk for a mining company and divides his time outside of work between his own writing, spending time with his 5 year old daughter, and deciding if he should play guitar, watch Doctor Who, or finally finish whichever book is on his bookshelf. There is a question that I get asked surprisingly often. It’s not so much a question as a trend. Let me put it briefly this way: who/why/how often/when/have/are you (not) dat(e/ed/ing) (very often/right now/this weekend/that person huddled in a miserable ball in the corner) etc. Sometimes these questions come from older people. They mean well, usually they are married or in committed relationships themselves and wonder if maybe it would my life easier/better/more fulfilling if I dated and maybe even found a "partner." Sometimes it comes from single people my own age. If it comes from a girl, my ego assumes that the hidden question behind this question is "do you want to date me, why haven't you, yet?" Sometimes the question comes from my males peers, my ego is still beg enough that it occurs to me that the preceding questions may still apply but that is irrelevant. There are a lot of answers to such a general, well, more of a theme than a question, but I think the best answer is "I have/am." Whoa, you ask; You have/am? What does that even mean, and how is it possible? I have learned a lot about the publishing industry, I have written a lot of different kinds of writing, and there is something of an inside joke in the publishing industry about the bestseller that nobody has ever read. It goes something like this. There is a book that an up and coming writer writes, and he miraculously sells it to a big publishing company. They don't read it, because there are hundreds of books they publish every year, they just skim it and make sure it is formatted correctly, maybe scan a few passable passages and then they send it to the printers. People buy it for Christmas presents, or because it has an interesting cover, etc. etc. etc. But nobody ever reads it. Now imagine the same thing in the dating world. I think there are men who have dated a lot of women without the women ever really knowing it. Your mind just exploded. What does doing on a date mean? You buy a girl dinner, maybe that's taking her to a nice restaurant or maybe you spend more money at a potluck dinner because she is there. Or you actually only go to the potluck because she it there. You sit next to her and talk to no one else the entire night. Maybe the activity is even a movie night so you take her to a movie. Does that qualify as a date? The lines are getting pretty blurry. You're probably saying, “right, you really think that counts as a date?” Let me come back to that. But seriously, (and I need to put in a disclaimer here--probably should have done this earlier but well, what can you do?--I have no greater insight than anyone else into the male mind) the question of why more LDS men (ages 31 to 45 there are plenty of disturbing and strange reasons why the 45+ single guys aren't dating but let's try and focus, shall we?) are not dating is impossible to answer for so many reasons, but the answer, as far as I can tell is that we are dating. How is that possible? Oh, it's pretty easy to explain. Let me go into some of the statistics to maybe clear this up. There was a recent poll of LDS people (another disclaimer here--I'm trying to cut back honestly--none of these polls are scientific, but hey this is a blog post not a scientific journal) and it resulted in the following results: Question: Are you now married, widowed, divorced, separated, or never married? Married 143 (21%) Widowed 9 (1%) Divorced 136 (20%) Separated 4 (0.6%) Never married 379 (56%) Question: How old are you? 18-21 5 (0.7%) 22-25 38 (6%) 26-30 99 (15%) 31-35 192 (28%) 36-40 185 (27%) 40-50 110 (16%) 50+ 46 (7%) http://www.ldsmag.com/article/1/12850 Now, I want to cite one other study to give just a little bit of context to these answers and then I will go on. According to one website, "After age thirty, there are ten unmarried Mormon women in Utah for every eight unmarried Mormon men. After age forty-five, there are twice as many single women as men. After retirement, there are five times as many." (http://janariess.religionnews.com/2014/03/13/smart-single-mormon-thirty-somethings-fit-church/). So keeping all of these statistics about dating in mind is going to be important for the next, say, 15 seconds or so. Rest your eyes. Okay, now forget them. Now let me remind you by making some even more unscientific speculation. The quote I provided states that the male:female ratio at age 30 is about 8:10, but by the age 45 it is more like 5:10. That means there are about 10% less eligible men to date for every 5 years a woman "survives" in LDS single life. Maybe I am wrong about the statistic of decline there; I have never been very good at math. Regardless of the numbers, all these statistics beg the question: Where do all the men go? Well, they stop going to church, they date non-members, or they continue being active but seemingly disinterested in dating women temporarily or permanently due to their own personal struggles (such as homosexuality or pornography addiction which studies I don't really have time to cite show are both much more predominant in men than women). I'm gonna leave all the statistics aside now, because they are pretty exhausting and pointless in my opinion. This brings me back to me. Let me tell you a little bit about my own dating experience. I don't date a lot. There was time a few months back where for one month I went on a date with a girl every week. Not all of them fell on the weekend, but I just felt like dating a lot at that time. Some of the girls I went on dates with were blind dates, I even called friends up and asked for numbers of girls who they thought were cool, and I called them up and went on a date with them. I asked some pretty good friends out on dates, some of them said yes, some of them said no, and life went on. Nobody died; hopefully nobody's feelings were hurt too much. What happened next is what is really frustrating and confusing not only for me, but for some of the girls that I went out with in this period, I am sure. I don't know if this is indicative of a general trend or is unique to my own personality and the girls that I am drawn to. There were a couple of girls who I went out with at that time, and really liked a lot, but I have been sitting in what I like to call "holding" mode because with a girl that cool you really want to plan something special for the dates. I am not that good at planning so as the months have dragged on, more time has passed, and there has to be a better and better reason to call these girls up with every passing day, because "hey, I'm that guy who asked you out late last year and you could never really figure out why but here it is 6 months later so do you want to go out again?" just seems like a bad approach. Then there were some girls who had not been asked out for a very long time, and going on a first date for them was a HUGE deal, like a life altering moment that an attractive, funny, intelligent, charming, spiritual, compassionate guy would ask them out at all. Even me asking them out was pretty freaking cool. Where was I going with this? Oh, yes. Dating. Why don't I date more? How much is more? Let me give you an example of my typical week. I am a divorced guy, so I spend a lot of time taking care of my daughter, I don't know if what I am going to describe is a typical schedule, I am pretty sure it's not, but I'll get back to everyone else, trust me. I wake up between 4 and 5 AM so that I can attempt to get a few minutes of exercise in before showering and getting ready for work. I arrive at work sometime between 5 AM and 6 PM Monday to Friday. Every Tuesday, Thursday, and every other Friday I pick up my 5 year old daughter from school when I get or work, which I make a point of doing at 3:30 on those days so that I can be sure to be at her school at 4 PM, which still forces her to be in after school care every afternoon, but that is just one of the sad facts of single parenthood. I spend time with her on the Tuesdays and Thursdays that I have her from 4 until 7:30 or a little later, I come home, read scriptures, watch TV for a little while so that I can unwind, then I go to bed so I can do it all again in the morning. Sometimes I take her on Monday evenings as well so that her mom can have a chance to go to Monday night activities without having to stress about finding a sitter (which would be relatively close to impossible on a Monday night in the LDS world). I enjoy writing, so I try and block out a couple of hours of every other night to dedicate to writing, say 5 to 7 on Mondays (or 4 to 6, whatever works with the other scheduled things I have) and then I have to go to bed around 9 o clock in order to wake up for my work. This leaves me a couple of hours on a couple of nights to plan any church activities, and personal goals that I have, read any books that I want to read, socialize with friends, or you know, all the other things we love to do with our free time (I am attempting to learn to play the guitar, I have already talked a lot about me aspiring writer goals, I have a calling to try and organize mid singles activities, the list could go on and on). I have already described how I take my daughter two weekends a month. That means that IF I wanted to date, WHEN I do want to date I should say, I have two weekends a month to dedicate to that. Something pretty inevitably comes up on at least three of the two free weekends that I have every month. Like I said, I am not good at math. I have travel to do something with my family, a friend is in need of consolation because he/she is going through a breakup/divorce or some other life crisis, my work is looking for volunteers for some kind of service project. Again the list could go on. My point is this: I am a busy person. So my question for you: where does dating fit in to all of this? When we are young (or not so young) we spend a lot of time making lists of our ideal mate. Maybe she's blonde; maybe she's a brunette. Maybe she's good with kids; maybe she's good at math. Maybe she is righteous/spiritual; maybe she likes punk rock as much as I do. Then we get a little bit older and we stop worrying about the checklist approach to the ideal mate (or maybe we don't). Maybe we go back to the old romantic notion of "when it's the right guy/girl we will both just know it" or maybe we just wait until we hit it off well enough with someone that it will naturally develop into a relationship which I think is just another way of saying the same thing in a lot of ways. Then we focus more on the "dos and don'ts of dating." What do I mean by that? Well, we are all taught most of our lives that there are certain things that you just DON'T do on a date, and there are certain things that you absolutely SHOULD do. Maybe you should try online dating. Maybe I could set up a blind date for you. Whatever happened to whatshername. Just ask that girl from church out already, she's liked you since like elementary school. Be patient. Don't be alone inside a girl's apartment. Don't invite a girl over to your apartment. Be yourself. Nothing good ever happens after eleven. The first kiss should be something special. Don't compromise your standards. Focus on the temple. Don't date nonmembers. Don't be judgmental. Flirt to convert. Accept people for who they are. Be honest about your feelings. Be yourself. I think I said that one twice. My point in all of this is the following. We are just exhausted as the women we are supposed to be dating. We all fill up our lives with other things after we have been single for so many years, and it is hard to let any of those things go, because hey, they ARE important. Service is important, having meaningful employment, hobbies, friends, etc. etc. etc., they are all great things, but they take time, and so does dating. We all know this, but I think the older you get, the more people stop realizing just how much time dating actually takes. What an emotional strain it is to go out on a date and have to wonder for hours, days, weeks, months afterwards if the girl you went out with really liked you. Sometimes you desperately want her to think of you fondly, and sometimes you don't, either way, as an older guy it is extremely frightening and overwhelming to date, and yet we do it as well as we can manage. I went into writing this post promising myself that I would not focus on me, but talk about the general trends and observations I had noticed and the way that they affect single people my age and a little older and how often we are forced to focus on dating as a means to an end instead of something that is to be a great way of making friends of the opposite sex, forming strong friendships that over time will naturally grow and eventually evolve into a relationship that becomes a marriage. I also said that I wouldn't talk too much about dating, because that is not what this post is all about. Now that I think I have definitively broken both of those promises to myself, I can stop writing. But I have one more thing to say. If you are asking why guys don't ask more girls out, we are, stop worrying. As a single guy, let me tell you that on an almost daily basis, I have men who come and ask me to help them arrange double dates, men who ask if they should go out with so and so, men who wonder if this girl or that is flirting with them, dating is very much on our mind, there are just a lot of other reasons why we are not dating one specific girl at any one time, either because we just aren't interested in her, or because we are VERY interested in her, but we are waiting for the right moment to ask her out, or we have our own personal emotional/spiritual struggle and don't feel like it would be fair to let a girl into our lives at this particular moment. What I am saying is that we are doing our best. There is not one solution. I am not telling girls or guys to be more aggressive, more patient, or anything else. What I am saying is that everybody is in a different place and a million questions about why we don't date more or who we are dating are not going to fix any of that. What will help us all to be a lot more open and happy with dating (or not dating) is if instead of asking so many questions about dating, we be happy with the place we are at in our lives, find peace within ourselves and with God, and with all the other essential things in our lives, and then I believe a person or a group of people will gravitate towards that happy being, a person who shares enough of our interests to embrace us for who we are, stop worrying about when we are going to ask them out on a date and just enjoy being with us, regardless of whether it's a date, a bench at church, or a fun late night conversation. That is the kind of person I would ask on a date again and again and again. How's that for a contradiction?

Tattoo covered

Pics of my tattoo cover up

Baking with Steph

As I sit here thinking a Stephanie story came to mind. Many of you know Stephanie and Most do not, If you do not know her she was an amazing chef/baker. She taught me most of what I know. One day we wanted to bake and Steph and I never did anything half-assed. So we went shopping and got flour, ten pounds of it, sugar, chocolate, stuff to make frosting. We did it all homemade :). Well we started at 3pm and we didnt stop baking till the next morning at about 5pm....we drank a lot of energy drinks. But it was worth it. I have been missing her so much the past couple of days and have been longing to talk to her. She truly was an amazing person and if you knew her, truly knew who she was you would agree. Stephanie was not only my friend but she was my sister, we were soul mates in a since. I do carry a lot of guilt not being there for her towards the end of her journey her on earth. My heart breaks because I miss her and maybe its selfish to wish for more days with her. I wish for more memories with her. I know she is no longer hurting and I know she is smiling down on me telling me to follow my heart and my own path. I miss her... I know the pain will never go away...I know the days will get easier...but I promised her that her story will be told no matter how hard it is for me. I loved that girl, she was stronger than she thought and she was funny. She could always cheer me up no matter what. We would eat our feelings together, try to drink our problems away together. We were there for each other. I wish I could make a phone call to Heaven....I need her...as selfish as that is...her advice was amazing and I need to hear it. So I will try to imagine what she would be telling me now. Remember to love your loved ones and be there for me you never ever know when the last time you tell them will be. Be kind to one another. Be happy and follow your heart.

New job/Update

So I got a new job. I will be a live in nanny just 3 streets away from where my dad lives. I love it!!!!

School is going.  Lol yep just going.

I am loving life and counting my blessings.

Keep your head up and never be too hard on yourself. Heavenly father loves you. :)

Emotions

As I sit here at 1147 pm eating dinner. With a heavy heart breaking for friends I am pondering what is love? Where is love?  Who loves, I mean truly loves me? Why does pain accompany love? Why are they hand in hand? Why is it such an emotional thing?  Why is it hard for me to be emotional?  Why do I constantly push people away?

My bishop as asked me to to try and show emotions more. How does one do that? I wasn't taught, or I don't remember being taught. Maybe I have my walls built to high.
I don't know. ....why is this so complicated?

Being a Mother with out a child

As mother day approaches my heart breaks for not only my self but for mothers like me. We are the mothers that did not get to raise our babies, the mothers that left the hospital with empty arms, the mothers that still hurt when a friend or loved one post that they are pregnant. We are the mothers that cry on mothers day. We wonder who our little one would be today, we wonder about the color of their eyes and hair, we wonder about how their laughter would sound and even about their cries. We long for sleepless nights and dirty diapers. We feel alone even though there are others who have felt a loss similar to ours. We sit at church on Mothers day and we try to be happy for those around us while no one acknowledges that we are Mothers. Last year on Mothers day I was still married and even though my husband was there with me, It was the hardest day of my life so far. My little girl would have been a few months old. I sat in our spare room alone and cried and cried a few friends tried to make me feel better but nothing can ever take that pain away. This year my sweet sweet baby girl would be 13 months old. I do not know quite yet how this mothers day will go, I do know that one little girl will be looking down on my from heaven and wishing me a happy mothers day. To those reading this who have never experienced infant or pregnancy loss just remember that we are mothers too. We may not be a mother the way you are but we are still mothers. I am open to talking about it, some women my not, respect the fact that they do not want to talk about. Show us love and let us know that you are there for us. A poem that has helped me: The Cord We are connected, My child and I, by An invisible cord Not seen by the eye. It's not like the cord That connects us 'til birth This cord can't been seen By any on Earth. This cord does it's work Right from the start. It binds us together Attached to my heart. I know that it's there Though no one can see The invisible cord From my child to me. The strength of this cord Is hard to describe. It can't be destroyed It can't be denied. It's stronger than any cord Man could create It withstands the test Can hold any weight. And though you are gone, Though you're not here with me, The cord is still there But no one can see. It pulls at my heart I am bruised...I am sore, But this cord is my lifeline As never before. I am thankful that God Connects us this way. -Unknown Please on this mothers day do not dismiss us or ignore us. We are proud mother of angels in Heaven. A mother and child Death can't take it away! Author Unknown

Please on this mothers day do not dismiss us or ignore us. We are proud mothers of babies who live with Heavenly Father.

(Pictures are not mine, I am not claiming they are)

The believe ring a story of true friendship

So there I was crying in Stephanie living room. I had been dumped. I was heart broken, sad and a mess.

Stephanie hugged me and said "we are not going to stay in tonight its ladies night" I reluctantly got ready Steph did my hair.  We went to our favorite bar to see this one dj that is amazing and to drink my sorrows away.

With it being ladies night the bar was crawling with guys looking to hook up, flirt etc since I was just dumped I was not interested,  but the guys weren't picking up on that. 

Stephanie being the amazing friend (I had no idea she was going to do this) climbed up on a table got the bars attention took a ring off her finger. Pulled me up to the table gave a speech about how I am her bestie for lifey and if I would be her wifey. The bar cheered as I said yes thinking it was a real proposal.  The guys backed off and we got free drinks all night.

Well I found that ring yesterday.  I cried. Thank you Stephanie for always looking out for me. I will wear it every day now.

Not letting him control me anymore

I am done letting thoughts of him control me.

I am done thinking if he has changed and I am done wondering what if.

He didn't love me then and he won't now or ever.

I have been through a lot of hard things in my life but leaving him was one of the hardest. I am and was a mess, just because you don't see every aspect of my pain doesn't mean that it wasn't there.

I married him because I loved him and wanted to spend forever with him, he said he wanted the same but his actions proved other wise.

I am done feeling damaged, I have learned from this and will keep the lessons in my heart forever.

I want the divorce to be finalized so that we can both just move on and be happy in life.

So if you have questions about it or my pain or my feelings how about you ask me.

My pain is real, the abuse was real, if you weren't there you can't say anything about the situation. 

I am grateful for the friends and family that have been by my side.

I am strong and I will get through this.

We first meet (a Stephanie story)

Stephanie and I first meet on a YSA hike.
We hiked at laughed and sat on a rock and just talked.

Our first real hang out was a YSA campout.

Kattie introduced us. The 3 of us were fun. So on this campout we had a 2 hour drive full of laughs and a few u turns to get to the place. It was fun. We also had Kattie dog Greta with us. All in a two man tent.

We played chubby bunny, ate our feelings and laughed until our side hurt. It was so much fun.

It was an awesome we made jokes and became instant friends.

Stephanie keep looking down on us all until we meet again.

-Kendra

Dear Stephanie

Hey Steph, it's been a while since you been gone. I miss you like crazy. So much has been going on and I find my self wanting to call or text you. You were always there for me no matter what.

Stephanie, I wish I could have been there for you when you needed me most.  I have so many memories of us that the play like a movie in my head.

Remember when we would tell each other bed time stories. And you teaching me to bake, I still haven't mastered your pumpkin muffins.  Remember the bacon in the washer lol...I miss you.

Remember the bar crawl, we didn't always to good things but we took care of each other the best we could. 

Remember when we first hung out at the camp out Kattie introduced us. We ate our feelings and all 3 of us and greta (kattue yorkie) slept in that tiny tent.

I know you're looking down on me and I carry you with me in all I do.

I love you Stephanie,  I am glad you're finally at peace. Smile down on me. 

Love,
Kendra

Pics pics pics

The kids that light up my life :)

And a hair update :)

Don't need surgery.

Well I saw on oncologist who says my blood work and tissue sample does have precancerous cells but it looks like they got it all. yay!!!

I do have to watch my uterus activity closer lol. If I start having the same issue I need to go to the doc asap. Because the tumor could be back. 

Still dealing with divorce. Some people never keep their word.  Hopefully I will be able to get the remainder of my stuff and it will be over. I am so passed ready to move on and get on with my life. 

Thank you for all the love and support.

Another blog update will be pics :)

Hope

I am hoping to get all this insurance crap figured out

I hope that my divorce is finalized sooner than later

I hope that my mon can be here for the surgery

I hope one day to feel like my self again

I hope those around me understand exactly how hard this is

I hope one day someone can tell that behind my smile and jokes I am actually in a lot of pain.

I hope for love.

I hope for understanding.

I hope that one day I will be able to comprehend all the pain.

I hope for smiles.

I hope for a miracle.

I hope that you feel love and know you are special and important to someone.

I hope that you smile. 

Hysterectomy. ...

So I have to have a hysterectomy with tubal removal.  It's the only way I can be healthy.

The cost of this procedure is getting to be really expensive.

If you can donate anything please do.

https://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/help-kendra-through-her-surgery/148878

If you have any questions please let me know.

Thank you and may God bless.

Bedrest

Bed rest has sucked. No joke but I am trying to be positive about this all so my list of positive things while on bed rest.

1. Aunt D's french toast
2. Finding out how strong I actually am
3. Re - connecting with old friends
4. HGTV
5. Lifetime movies
6. Spending time with my Grandma and Aunt
7. Relaxing
8. Reading and not for school
9. Taking medical leave from school for a bit.
10. Wrote letters to my brother and uncle
11. Strawberry cheese cake icecream

See 11 things that are positive. :)

Surgery Update (TMI warning)

WARNING MIGHT BE TMI FOR SOME

What I know so far is the there was no complications.

He didn't look at my ovary. My uterus was full of gunk. There was old tissue and some new and he think there was some left over from when I had my molar pregnancy. 

So he sent that off to be tested and I will know more at my follow up next week.

Right now I feel tried and have some serious cramps going on.

Still praying that the results come back as good.

Thanks for the prays and thoughts.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Can't sleep

The adventures that inspired my blog

Surgery

Well the big surgery is tomorrow and I am nervous and scared and feel damaged.

A divorced women with little chance of bearing children doesn't work well in today's society. 

I got a blessing today from my dad and another man from our ward. It was an amazing thing and said just what I needed to hear.

Everything is in Heavenly Father's hands and I know that if I am doing what I am supposed to I will be blessed.

Please pray for me.

The beginning of a new chapter

Well we all now divorce sucks but sometimes it happens. I am currently going through a divorce and while it sucks and I feel like its a fight and a struggle I know that once it is all over I will be myself again and be closer to Heavenly Father. While my divorce is in the process I am not dating. I am becoming closer to Heavenly Father and figuring out the path that he wants me on. Just a side note: I am not saying that the 2 and half years I was married were a waste because I learned a lot and I believe I went through that for a reason I may not know that reason now but maybe I soon will. Other then that I have been going on adventures with my niece and nephew. They love frozen and playing and hiding. This new blog will tell of our adventures as well as things from my life. Enjoy reading!!